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do you feel stupid sometimes?

do you feel stupid sometimes?
By Shivan Sivakumaran • Issue #88 • View online
apologies for sending this late…

Kia ora e hoa,
I feel stupid.
Yes, that’s what the voice in my head is saying right now and I can’t shut it up.
“Be authentic” was its previous chant.
That’s what I did.
Now it’s regret. It’s shame.
“Why did you post that?”
“What will your friends think, stupid?”
What a turn of events!
I talked about my interesting Contiki adventure, my first relationship, virginity, optometry being devalued, publishing problems women face, my love for self-help books.
What did it meet?
Silence. And then some criticism.
It’s mostly originating from love I’m sure. But my ego can’t handle it. My ego is a big baby sometimes.
Maybe, I’m not cut out for this? When should I quit? When do I know it’s a good time to quit? Why did I even start?
It’s crazy to think that I could even do it. I was so unprepared. Who am I? I’m not anyone special. I’ve accomplished very little in my life. I’ve had the shelter of my parents all this time. I don’t get girls. I don’t have money. I have no proof of success but talk about it. My stories are just rants, annoying complaints and uncomfortable overshares.
The shame comes from feeling ashamed. When you put yourself out there on the public forum, what are you doing to expect? Cheers? Yes, this happens most of the time, but you are open to criticism and that’s part of the game.
This is one way to grow, albeit a painful route. If you don’t like it, then you can choose comfort and go back into that happy cave you were just in. But remember, you aren’t like most people. Most people are happy doing nothing significant in their lives.
They numb themselves in some way. You always wondered how: how can they be so happy? Mediocrity is okay? Middle-class thinking? Gossip? Late-night television?
Who knows? What matters is that you want more, more than the comfort zone, maybe more than you can chew.
Here, on your path, is another brick wall. Do you turn back? You didn’t do that with the previous brick walls you faced before.
Why stop now? In fact, who is stopping you?
You.
You?
Yes, you.
You might think confidence is believing in yourself. That’s half the truth. I like to think it’s overcoming self-doubt. Or even ignoring it.
Unfortunately, you can’t snap your fingers and expect what you want to come to you. For others, it might seem like success came easily to them. It probably did or it probably didn’t. Who knows? Remember, the process is almost invisible, yet the results are highly visible.
Patience. You are playing the long game. Patience and persistence, my friend.
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Stay focused and talk soon.
Ngā mihi nui,
Shivan
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Shivan Sivakumaran

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