Staying Focused

By Shivan Sivakumaran

my contiki story





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my contiki story
By Shivan Sivakumaran • Issue #86 • View online
someone got lucky ;)

“Do you have condoms?” She whispered.
No. This isn’t my extravagant story of how I got laid on a trip overseas. It was my incumbent roommate’s.
They tried being quiet.
I tried pretending I was asleep.
Contiki Japan 2017! And I still get occasional flashbacks (turns out slurping noises is not how you should be kissing. Thank you, T).
It’s a funny story for you, but why was it so traumatising for me? Maybe because of my lack of experience? Back then, I was 25 years old and still a virgin. STILL.
I’ve never had it, but sex looks fun. That’s what movies and porn make us believe. My roommate was having fun, the other person was having fun too. I wish it would stop.
I would think about what my friends would do in this situation. Of course, that didn’t help because they would be the ones in my roommate’s situation. Or if they weren’t, maybe, they would have the audacity to join in? Maybe, they would tell them to go to another room? I just froze.
Froze like an innocent child witnessing a murder. What the hell? It’s just sex after all.
The topic of sex always made me feel uneasy even though I dreamed about it. My male friends would boast about their conquests. Whenever the spotlight came on me, they thought I was cursed with some disease of the mind. Even my first girlfriend thought it was problematic.
It’s hard. Everyone around me had at least some experience or was in a powerful relationship.
Instead of learning from people around me, I looked at my own situation in shame.
It’s like a party everyone was invited to, even people who are younger than you, not as intelligent as you and not as kind as you. All of them are on the inside, but you are on the out. You’re rejected. You ask yourself, is there something wrong with me?
Nothing is wrong with you.
You might feel like everyone is winning the game and you weren’t even given the rule booklet.
But you never lied to anyone.
Sure people laughed, which made me feel small and uncomfortable.
But they can never do, what you can do.
There is vulnerability in honesty. And vulnerability is the ultimate show of confidence.
Lie and impress others. Tell the truth and impress yourself (thanks D). I hope this is what you take away.
They went on to date for a few years later. If they got married, I could claim I was there to witness their first-ever encounter. Funny stuff.
Also, I’d love to hear what you would do in this awkward contiki situation that I was in?
Stay focused and talk soon.
In a recent email newsletter, I discussed my fear of Jack Steiner. Well, it’s time to realise that fear in this video.
Who is Jack Steiner & Why am I afraid of Him
Who is Jack Steiner & Why am I afraid of Him
Did you enjoy this issue?
Shivan Sivakumaran

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Aotearoa, New Zealand